You're Gone Again

Last night we went to see Explode Into Colors and you got upset that I was dancing. The only people who don't dance to Explode Into Colors are the dead, the deaf (even they might dance to the vibrations), and you, my dear. I don't mean to insult or offend, but there are times when people need to release themselves and move to the sound and pulse of unrestrained expression. You need to understand that just because people dance, it does not mean that they are carefree and drunken idiots. They might be drunk, but you must know that it is still possible to dance with pain in your heart. Sometimes music makes me feel pain by reminding me of my own problems, and sometimes it makes me feel pain just because it sounds painful. You can't judge people from how they appear to your eyes. There are so many layers underneath that you can't see, and this is where the real substance of a person is contained.


Anyway, I am by myself again. Do you wonder how long the good feelings will last this time? I believe that when you get home, you will start hating me again. Of course I don't want you to hate me, but I don't think this trip will change your mind about moving here. We are different people. I still love you to death, but that becomes irrelevant once you get on the plane.

Thanks for coming. Hope you had fun.

Engorged Rodents

I just had to note that the squirrels outside my window are getting really fat and noticeably less agile. It must be that time of year again. This will be my first full winter in Vancouver/Portland.

Revisited

I know this blog is really old and I haven't touched it for years, but I can't let it go because there is too much of my life here to leave it behind. This, in addition to xanga, myspace and facebook (to varying degrees) are the only outlets I have been able to trust consistently. I hoard these entries as a record of my life, to make up for all those friends I never made, pictures I never took and letters I never wrote.

It makes me sad when I revisit some of these entries, but there were hard lessons to learn and I need to remember each one to save myself from having to relearn them.

My former obsession with Sleater-Kinney (still love them, though) seems a bit alarming to me now, but in retrospect there were many things going on in the background of my life that drew me to them. Their music kept me grounded and breathing during a really bad time.

After a somewhat stable period of college life, things are getting complicated and messed up again. I am trying really hard to be a good person, a loving daughter/sister/girlfriend and a compassionate, honest human being.

It shouldn't be this hard and I know I have it pretty good in many areas of my life, but I still struggle with bad thoughts and some really hurtful actions. I'm sorry.