Nearly there

Everything is not okay, and it is only getting worse every day. We are so close to imploding, you have no idea. I am waiting nervously for the day when I won't know any of you anymore. It's so depressing to think we won't see each other again.

Reciprocity

Remember the time you tried to kill yourself by swallowing a fist-full of Advil? We walked outside ten minutes later and you tried to vomit it out, but you couldn't. Instead, it came out slowly over the course of the next day. You were barfing every ten minutes. You were so determined to hide your attempt that you came to school with me, but you couldn't stay in class because of the vomit. I drove you home and you managed to hold it in for the ride.

I loved you so much, I was terrified. It was unfair what you did. You were so scared of being gay that for an instant you would have rather died than spend your life with me. Now you know how it feels to be abandoned. I don't wish you an unhappy life, but I hope you can appreciate what I went through for you.

I am scared of living here by myself.

Down

I thought high school was the lowest point, but there are some nights when I come home from work and I feel like I'm falling deeper than ever. Time is the source of my sorrow and as more time passes, the more I realize how far away I am from the happiest days.

My happiest days were as a child, when there were no worries and just love. As a child I loved so much. The more I learn about the way things truly are, the more I hate this world. I see how other people hate and it takes away my enthusiasm. I used to have so much more excitement within me.

People, myself included, are becoming more disgusting every day. We are a disease on this earth. The worst part is that there are so many people who don't realize how destructive our species is. All they can think about is their own pathetic existence. This life is not about you or me. Why does everything feel so pointless?

I have always wanted to leave but I could never figure out how.

Nothing

Getting over a sickness now that had me breathing like death rattles. Asleep is the best I ever felt. I cough up green gobs of something, but it doesn't taste metallic like it used to. As I first showed symptoms of sickness, people at work told me I must have bad allergies. They tell me this to make themselves feel better. They're stuck in an office all day with me walking around, carrying my germs so close to their precious sterilized cubicles. I am the living incubator.

A sticky note was posted next to one office door ordering me not to enter. It is okay with me. I can cough on my hands and touch the copier. Whatever it is, it will go around anyway. You will be exposed no matter how hard you try.





I'm pretty sure this was the illness of the bagless vacuum dust; most likely an infection from something evil I sucked from my carpets. As I emptied the canister the weekend I got sick, I marveled at the dust strata, the different shades of gray running parallel in lifts. I wiggled the dust cakes and they released puffs of white garbage, which proceeded promptly to my lungs.

There is a smell of dog that lingers in my bedroom, probably from the previous tenant who locked some poor poopy-pants in there all day, slobbering and scratching stink particles all over the room. I proceeded to attack the smell with my empty vacuum. Thinking clean thoughts, I willed it to go away. The vacuum would work, I knew it.

The smell is still there. I don't know what to do.





I had almost recovered from the illness when I decided to mix root beer with something awful. It made me so sick to my stomach that it felt like I was trying to digest knives for days.


Baby, yes, it's good to eat dinner. You're silly. Did you forget, or were you not hungry?

Blown Brains

My job has taken me away from everything and everyone I love. Some days, I daydream about shooting myself in the head so that the mess of my brains cover the walls of that ego-infested place. Everyone will look at what's left of me and feel sick in the same way that I feel sick when I hear them talk about how awesome they are. At the end of the day, ignorant, racist homophobes suck the hopes and dreams out of me. It's so hard to stay motivated when you know that so many people would rather you be dead. At least this job has taught me one thing: a big mouth, a small brain, and a penis will take you far in life!

The coldest weather of my life

Friday night was my first time playing on a real stage at a real venue. I drove to Eugene with Squirrel riding in the passenger seat. It was the night we were supposed to have the terrible snow and freezing rain in Portland, which never came. However, the drive to Eugene was not fun. I-5 in both directions slowed to 5 mph just south of Salem. People were scared and pulling over to the shoulder. I only noticed the ice when I would try to change lanes and the car would fishtail slightly. I thank the weight of my drums and hardware for keeping my car on the road. My dear instrument, I love you.

We arrived at Luckey's (after a four hour drive) the exact minute we were supposed to go on. The band that was supposed to play after us agreed to trade slots, so it worked out alright. We didn't fit in very well. The bands before and after us were jam bands, and we are definitely not. I felt really weird about it, but people were coming up to me afterwards saying that we sounded great, so that made everything worth it. I was worried all day Friday that it would be a bad idea to try to drive to Eugene because of the weather, but I'm glad we made it.

I was hiding in a corner watching the last band when an older guy came up to me and said he really loved my drumming. He might have been drunk.

Then it took another four hours to drive home and I was doing 25 mph on I-5 and struggling to stay awake. I would open my eyes with my heart beating so hard like it was trying to punch me awake. I imagined me and Squirrel flipped over in a ditch, to scare myself into trying harder. I imagined you waiting for me and I would start to drive faster to get to you, then the tires would slip, then I would slow down again, then I would fall asleep, then it started over again. I got home at 6:30 AM and you were there waiting. That's all I was hoping for. Thank you.

Hawthorne Theatre on January 22. I need to find 8 people to attend.

Changes

On Monday night, I almost hit a deer with my car for the first time. It was standing at the entrance to my driveway. Later that night, I broke someone's heart. You can take this one instance of rejection for the countless times you did it to me.


I applied and was accepted for graduate school at the University of Hawaii, but I decided not to go. I was supposed to reply before Thanksgiving, but I had actually decided a few months ago that going back was the wrong decision. I was in a different state of mind when I applied. I thought I wanted to be respected, but I only did it because you kept getting angry at me for leaving. Now I know that you will be angry with me no matter what I do, so I am going to do what I want.


Today my boss offered to move me back to Hawaii. I told him I'd rather stay here. Let's see if I get fired.


I made a new friend. She is beautiful, nice, and likes what I like. I enjoy spending time with her. She is brave in ways that I wish I could be.