Chauvinist Pig

Dear ____ _____,

I need you to please leave me and my thoughts alone. You are so tall. You are so skinny. You are so goofy and nerdy. I thought you were perfect. You thought I was beneath you.

You always laughed at me as if I were a corny joke. Maybe I was slightly amusing, but I probably wasn't worth your time, right?

I remember when you took me hiking and I couldn't see in the dark. We laid on our backs to look at the sky and I noticed all of the stars that I couldn't see at home. You asked me if I wanted a pillow. A pillow would have been nice, but I knew you didn't have one, and I knew what you were hoping I would say, and I knew what you where hoping I would do, so I said no.

On the way down I stepped in all the holes and fell all over the place. You said, "Here, hold my hand." I said no. I am fine. I tripped some more and this time you didn't bother asking. Your thick hand engulfed mine. Then, you stepped in a hole and this time it was me holding you up.

I remember the time we were watching a movie on the couch and eating some kind of nuts covered in chocolate. I was eating mine slowly and it bothered you. Yes, it bothered you so much that you took a handful of that crap and stuffed it into my face. Then you told me a scary part was coming up and asked me if I was scared. I thought it was an absurd thing to ask, but maybe my irritation showed on my face as fear, because you told me not to worry, you'd protect me.

Oh, thank goodness, I have someone to protect me from this movie! Oh, whatever would I do without someone to protect me from the scary part of the movie?! What would I do without someone to shove candy in my face when I'm not eating it fast enough? What would I do without someone to hold my hand and walk me down the hill?? Surely, I would never be able to survive on my own!

I remember the time we went walking along the lava rock by the ocean. We went all the way to the end and you thought it would be clever if you pretended to attack me and I pretended to defend myself. I don't pretend to defend myself. Either I do or I don't. There is no halfway. When it comes out, I want it to hurt. You thought I might fall into the ocean on the way back so you held my hand to climb up and down all the rocks. I was doing fine by myself.

You see, the thing is, I thought it was nice of you to offer your help, but forcing it on me was not nice at all. It was patronizing. Some girls might like that stuff. You should go find them.


Go away,
Me